Is there anything in this world more demoralising that online job applications? I mean seriously, you do want people to apply for your jobs and feel excited about the position, right? Then how come I’ve spent an hour and a half spiralling from trying to complete an online application which should, let’s be honest, be one of the simplest things in the world.
I have a friend who applied for a job in ALDI. We all know how hard those cashiers work, staring intensely at the till screen and flinging products left, right and centre through the smallest window ever made, and tutting and huffing at us when we cannot get it all back in the basket in time. He said the application was just as stressful as realising you hadn’t put a carrier bag on the conveyer belt with your items, but Tess is already twenty five products deep, and expecting you to get the fuck out of her queue line, so she can begin stressing somebody else out. An online application, a call back, another call back, an interview, a phone interview, a third interview. I mean absolutely no disrespect to anybody working at ALDI, or any other supermarket, but is this really fucking necessary? Sometimes I’m convinced that employers target specific applications and people to put through rigorous testing. Perhaps it is so they can review the process. Or maybe they just pass it on and pass it on until somebody looks at the applications and thinks, fuck, not a single person has been interviewed, and proceeds to complete the interview, forget to note it down, and pass it on to somebody else just as incapable.
This probably isn’t the time to be complaining about wanting a new job, or how difficult it seems to be to tell people that, but it’s the only thing that I can think about. I have four different CVs, each formatted slightly differently. See, I have been told the secret to securing a good job is to adapt your CV to the relevant application. But that doesn’t work when you are applying for every single job available under the sun. Hence my final fourth CV format, which I have essentially copied from one of those crap, free templates online. I have changed all of the information to make it relevant to my general job duties, with a few lies and embellishments here and there. A lot of the time, you don’t receive any feedback at all regarding your CV, just a succinct and bitchy email to say, “On this occasion we will not be proceeding with your application”, but no mention of why. Just that you aren’t good enough. Well, that’s that then, I usually think before closing twenty tabs all displaying differing jobs, and I return to the sofa to dread the return of Monday. I have even applied for jobs I know I have zero chance of getting, just in hope that somebody would give me an interview. I believe that is where I could truly shine, that’s if I could get a sodding interview, which I can’t.
Whenever I complete job interviews at my current job, I explain to people that I’ve read their CVs and don’t like to retread the information, but rather try to get a sense of who they are and if they would fit within our team. I stand by this, I could care less that you once had to deal with a customer on the phone, blazing up about service they’ve received and how you’ve licked their arse clean until it squeaks. I want to know about you, what do you cook at home when you’ve had a terrible day, or what is your go-to takeaway choice after a drunken night. Obviously I don’t ask these questions, but the answers are much more interesting than, “I have an NVQ in filing, and am overjoyed about ordering toner”.
Once I had an interview for a language school in Manchester, it was advertised as an administrative position helping to control bookings and diary management for the senior managers. When I turned up I was surprised to see it was an actual school full of mature international students running excitedly to their next classes. It was like the UN doing an amateur production of Fame, and I’d walked in right in the middle of the title number. I was quickly taken to an interview room where two people, one who looked at me with a frustrated eyebrow the entire time, sat me down and began to ask about my experience. When I asked why the previous employee had left, I was told it was because she was having a baby. “Oh, okay” I said with a smile. One of the interviewers said, “Do you not like children? Usually people say congratulations”, to which I said, “absolutely not, but then again no vagina, no opinion, hey?” Mr angry brows instantly became stiff at the mention of the word vagina, and not in a good way. He then asked me what my biggest weakness was, to which I told him, “dating. Definitely dating, I’ve been single my whole life so I’m obviously doing something wrong there.” Both interviewers closed their files which stopped all further interview questions. I let out a chuckle to let them know that I was obviously joking. They both stood and said this would end the interview, and they would escort me out. I recommended they add “no sense of humour required” to their job specification. I never heard back from them.
As I type now, I have three other tabs open for jobs that I’m thinking of applying to. All sound just as boring and dreadful as the next. Personal assistant, business support assistant, project support officer. I have no idea what any of them truly mean, and nor do I care at this point. With a degree in English and Film and a shockingly increasing disinterest in both, I’m left with dull administration and organizing outlook calendars. If I’d have known I needed further qualifications in internet research or HR accreditation in order to apply for different positions, nah who am I kidding, I wouldn’t have done them either. I also think it is incredibly insulting to ask me to upload my CV and write a short cover letter, and then proceed to ask me to enter each previous job and responsibilities, and then my education history. If you’re going to do that on page three, then don’t ask me for my CV on page one. Because what is the point, to prove that I can read and follow instruction? Should I just delete my four CV formats from my documents if they aren’t required for online applications? Perhaps employers should think about their applications more intensely, and stop asking people to do a bleep test, a buzzfeed quiz, a companion piece to War and Peace wanking them off about their company, and giving them the details of an ancient cow once located in Aokigahara.
You know when your out-of-touch baby boomer parents and grandparents tell you to print off a CV, dress nice and drop the CV off in store? Imagine doing that in a doctor’s surgery for a medical secretary role? Or to the head offices of Disney and saying, please can I dress up as Pluto in Disney world? It doesn’t work, but we might as well be doing the same thing by uploading a CV and then explaining every single punctuation mark used in it, just to apply to a job where we aren’t even guaranteed a response.
So, in summary, I guess what I’m saying is fuck your jobs, and your annoyingly obtuse online applications. But if you do see this, please hire me.
David Writes Things 
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